Dating Coach

Mindful dating v internal elephants

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February 23  |  Dating, Dating Coach, finding a relationshp, finding love, Love & Relationships, Mindful communication, Mindfulness, relationships, Self-Help, Women and love  |   Cynthia

Nail biting

Anxiety is a perfectly normal emotion to experience, when you’re in the early stages of dating a new, prospective partner.  But it needn’t be a nail biting experience, if you take a few moments to pause, reflect and go about dating in a mindful way. Below are some quick tips on how to prevent the butterflies in your tummy, from morphing into a sabotaging date-wrecking herd of elephants, rampaging around in your innards.

Be prepared

Like the scouts, being prepared for all eventualities is key. This may not sound very sexy and spontaneous, but if you were applying for a new job, if you’ve got any sense, you’d be doing research on the company you hoped to be employed by. Why should it be any different with a prospective lover?  I don’t mean for you to start stalking his bestie, drive past his pad at midnight, staring longingly at his closed bedroom curtains, or make an absolute tit of yourself, in any other way.  But undertaking a little bit of pre-assignation investigation will help quell your nerves on The Date, and won’t necessarily turn you into a latter day female Inspector Clouseau of “Pink Panther” fame.

Brainstorm potential topics of conversation.  Find out what he’s interested in and read up on it. Be aware of current affairs but stay well clear of contentious topics such as sex, politics or religion –  the first few dates aren’t the time to regale him with your salacious intimacy “previous”.  These topics are potential date-busters!

Self-care

Pamper yourself so you feel at your very best.  Don’t wear anything that will make you feel self-conscious – ie a décolleté which is so extreme, that if you’re not careful, you’ll end up tripping over your own boobs. Nor should you wear a dress which is so frigging short, your prospect can see your tonsils.  There’s a time and place for everything and this isn’t it! If you’re unsure, ask a trusted friend for input.  Safe is one hell of a lot better than sorry.

BREATHE!

Give yourself plenty of time to get there. Plan the best route beforehand, leaving room for error, such as getting lost, tube strikes, people under a bus etc.  Sit quietly before you leave, and practise some very simple, mindfulness breathing.  I realise you may be so worked-up that your head resembles a washing machine in the spin cycle – but that’s only  reason to meditate more.

Practising mindfulness during the date

Listen to your prospect more than YOU speak!  Remember to practise deep, slow breathing during the date – not so fast that you hyperventilate and you need to engage in emergency breathing into a brown paper bag. This could be somewhat embarrassing! Simple and calmly is best. By so doing, you’ll avoid speaking at the speed of a machine gun engaged in active combat.  And speaking of guns – for God’s sake keep your powder dry. I repeat – don’t tell him your deepest, darkest and dirtiest secret. That’s first date suicide. And don’t drink too much either unless you’re not bothered about potentially presenting yourself as a neurotic, desperate lush!

Trust your instincts

If you do as I suggest, you’ll be far more in tune with the other person’s vibes. Trust yourself and your inborn instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t! If you’re super anxious, keep the first few dates short. Meet for coffee, a drink, lunch – then if all seems to be going swimmingly – you can take it to the next stage and meet for dinner. Remember – you’re not dating Prince Charming, just a regular guy who’s probably as nervous as you are.  Believe it or not – men suffer from dating nerves too.

Enjoy yourself!  That’s the whole point of the date – and remember, there are no true faux pas dating gaffes – just learning experiences. If it doesn’t go to plan, then keep breathing, don’t be hard on yourself, put it behind – and try again.

Have fun!

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ONLY when there’s determination – will there be a loving way!

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November 7  |  Dating, Dating Coach, finding a relationshp, finding love, professional single women, relationships, Self-Help, single women, Women and love  |   Cynthia

DO you REALLY want a partner or are you just in love with the notion?  This question may make you do a double-take and question my sanity.  But stick with it, please and read on!

Are you ready, willing and emotionally able to undertake the massive commitment which is needed to firstly find a partner, transform that encounter into a relationship and then maintain it through thick and thin, until (hopefully), death doth you part? It’s all very well believing that once you’re spliced with a Significant Other – everything will be plain sailing and you’ll be able to drift off into the sunset, hand in hand, living forever happily after.

Not so!  You may feel that your relationship is as invincible as “The Titanic”, but the truth of the matter is that life chucks at us many unexpected, differently sized icebergs along the way, which I guarantee can cause your relationship to capsize pronto, hook, line and sinker, if you haven’t got the commitment, motivation and guts to work on yourself and on the relationship – which is as living an entity with its own separate dynamic, as is a “real” flesh and blood person.

Without exception, we all drag our “relationship previous”,  into our current one. Much of this is hidden in the murky depths of our subconscious, only to spew out all over the shop – and each other  – when certain emotional historic triggers are detonated. Our wounding goes totally “ape” and if warfare reaches a certain stage, then like Humpty Dumpty we can’t be put back together again.

I’m not saying this in order to scare you off. I just want you to have a real heart to heart with yourself, prior to embarking on the voyage of togetherness, and figure out what you truly want and need. Like the song, “love is a many splendored thing“. The right long term relationship with the right person can provide you with the security you may have always craved – and the rest –  but this notwithstanding, it’s going to be a real graft – emotionally, practically and sexually. What you put into the entity – your joint relationship – you’ll get back in spadefuls.  But as Ringo Starr sang, “It don’t come easy” – so please don’t delude yourself otherwise.

In my book, “From Dinner Date To Soulmate – Finding Love At Any Age“, I cover these points in depth. So for now, consider the following food for thought:

  • How strong is your motivation today, to find your life partner?
  • How much time, energy and money are you prepared to put into finding The One?
  • How willing are you to tolerate your partner’s “baggage”?
  • Are you up for a lifetime of compromise – seemingly good and bad?
  • Are you able to commit one hundred percent to resolving problems as they arise?
  • How will you feel when the shiny cherry-like novelty of a new relationship wears off, and you’re stuck with the inevitable relationship hum drum?

I’m not being a kill joy – just playing devil’s advocate so you can assess for yourself just how strong and realistic your desire to be ensconced in a long term relationship, is.

After all – motivation is everything! Where there’s a will there’s definitely a way.

 

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Learning the art of hyperflirting

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November 3  |  Dating, Dating Coach, finding love, Flirting, professional single women, relationships, Self-Help, single women  |   Cynthia

 Making a connection with someone in a social context

This may not appeal to the romantic in you, but it’s my firm belief and the experience of myself and of my coaching clients – that you have to go out and make it happen.  Prince Charming isn’t going to show up on your doorstep. You have to go out there and take action.  So – when you receive an invitation to a social event, unless there’s a really pressing why NOT to accept (eg World War Three is about to break out, your front teeth have been knocked out, your cat’s in intensive care……), you must never refuse, because this might be the very night when you strike it lucky!

Here are some tips to help you connect with a fanciable man:

On arrival at an event:

  • Scan the room discreetly to ascertain whom you’d like to meet.
  • Turn down the volume on any inner chattering doubts and turn up your confidence volume.
  • Approach the person and smile at him. If he’s mid conversation, don’t interrupt, but wait for a convenient pause. You have to put yourself in his path to flirt, but don’t seem too obvious.

Getting a conversation going:

  • Introduce yourself and then create the opportunity to chat about something you have in common. You can unearth this by asking him open questions – e.g., “how do you know our host?”, “what do you do?”, “where have you travelled from tonight?”, “what did you do at the weekend?”, “what sort of a day have you had today?” Once you find your initial “hook” in the opening conversation, you should be able to establish a dialogue flow thereafter.

    Show your interest in him:

  • Encourage him to talk about himself as much as possible.
  • Find out what he’s passionate about, and get him talking about this. Ask open questions so he can’t just answer “yes”, or “no”.
  • Be a great listener – don’t interrupt and use his name when you can. Don’t talk about yourself non-stop.

Body language:

  • Draw attention to your body by wearing something which is feminine, vaguely provocative and leaves him guessing. Accentuate your body assets and forget about those body “liabilities”!
  • Head up, shoulders back – and smile! Smiling makes you seem attractive.
  • Flip your hair. This is SO feminine!
  • Crash through the touch stigma. Find ways to lightly touch him when you can. If he cracks a joke, let your hand rest on his forearm while you’re laughing.  Touch his shoulder lightly.  Establish a sense of fun and camaraderie with him.
  • Lean towards him whilst talking to him. Never cross your arms as it makes you appear to be defensive.
  • Make him feel he’s the most special guy in the world by giving him your full attention and keep looking him straight in the eye. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted.
  • Laugh at his jokes – even if they’re terrible!
  • Ask him to dance and then let your inner goddess come to the fore – but in moderation. Dancing’s a great way to connect with a man in a flirtatious way.

Be playful:

  • Tease him gently about minor things – it shows him that you’re fun and have a sense of humour.
  • Find something you admire about him and pay him a few compliments. Everyone enjoys having their ego massaged! Don’t go overboard though.
  • Expect to be teased back! It’ll show him you’re a good sport.
  • Keep the conversation light – no relationship post mortems on your side or grilling him about his ex. Best also keep off the thorny topics of sex, politics and religion – for now anyway!

Leave him wanting more:

  • Don’t exhaust the conversation to the point there’s nothing more to chat about.
  • Walk away while he’s still interested so he realises he must see you again.
  • Leave an opening for “a next time”. Say you have to dash off now, but maybe you could get together sometime soon to continue the conversation?
  • If he says “yes”, ask for his contact details. Men like women who are proactive. Why should they all make the running?
  • Don’t act too desperate as this will be off-putting.
  • Listen to your intuition and trust your instincts – he’s not the last man in the world you’ll meet, so if he doesn’t take the bait – don’t panic. It’s his loss. There are plenty more fish in the sea!

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