professional single women

“A” is for asshole!

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November 24  |  Dating, finding a relationshp, finding love, professional single women, relationships, Self-Help, single women  |   Cynthia

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We all know them. They present themselves to us in every shape, form, colour, creed and size, and in every walk of life. They’re the ones who pontificate, or impose their pathetic opinions onto you uninvited , or manipulate or control you then leave you hanging high and dry – the emotional detritus lingering around your persona like a rancid smell.

This sad fact is even more poignant in the area of personal and intimate relationships. They manifest themselves, as if by black magic, string you along, mess you up and then make it feel like it’s all your fault.  Some assholes have personality disorders, or unaddressed addictions. Or they could be serial philanderers. The potential to be an asshole is endless.

But – before you think I’m going to let you off the hook and fall into victim mode, I’m here to tell you that it’s YOUR responsibility to eliminate these turds before they get the smallest foothole in your love life.  I don’t care if they spin you the oldest line in the book, such as “my wife doesn’t understand me” (oh but she does folks – only too well), or “my daddy didn’t buy me a bow wow” (go get a rescue dog from Battersea) – trust me – somewhere, deep down, in the first few meetings with Mr Asshole – you instinctively KNEW this one was going to be yet another dud – a bozo looking for a temporary repository for his miserable presence, before sallying forth to the next poor wench.

I say this as someone who has entertained the dubious company of multiple assholes in my life – and I even married two of them before wisening up and realising that My Type wasn’t my type AT ALL, and was just a toxic legacy, left over from my partially miserable childhood.  Woe is me – not! I was responsible for putting myself in a position to be hurt – and so are you!  The lesson will be repeated until it’s learned!

Why do I assert this? Simples. We all have inherent instincts and we read information about everyone we meet. It may be subconscious and buried deep, deep down in our psyche – but I’m here to tell you that we KNOW when we meet somebody. The trouble is, we can be so needy that we override those early warning signals. We can delude ourselves that with us the asshole will be different, that this time the story will end happily and we’ll waltz off into the sunset, holding hands, living happily ever after.

Bollocks. Once an asshole – ALWAYS an asshole – unless and until said asshole becomes desperate enough to do the Inner Work on themselves – nothing will change.  There are plenty of women assholes too. Being an asshole isn’t in any way sexist.

Practising mindfulness and being much more mindful in your life, is the best way to learn to listen to and trust your instincts. They tell you everything you need to know – but you have to make time to sit, let go, and have the courage of your own convictions, to put into action what your innate good sense is telling you to do ie telling Mr Asshole to bog off pronto before you’re lulled into his web.

So my Five Rules for Asshole Management are so simple you could miss them:

  1.  Avoid
  2. Avoid
  3. Avoid
  4. Avoid
  5. Avoid

Please – do yourself a massive favour and undertake The Work on your inner self.  In so doing, you’ll find that your inherent, instinctive Asshole Alert will soon flourish and hold you in very good stead so that next time an asshole looms into your orbit, promising you the moon – you immediately press the “REJECT” button.

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Ageing with acceptance and gratitude

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November 14  |  Acceptance and gratitude for ageing, Fitness and the mature woman, Post menopausal women, professional single women, Self-Help, self-transformation, single women, Women ageing  |   Cynthia

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I’ve got a real “thing” about the anti-ageing movement.  Basically I can’t stand it. If it’s fake, botox, cosmetic plastic surgery, extortionate pills and potions claiming to turn back the clock – I truly believe it sucks.

And I’ll tell you why this is the case.  Ageing is something which happens to all of us, whether we like it or not.  Given that we all know people who’ve met the Grim Reaper way too early, I feel it’s downright wrong to transmit the message to our daughters, and granddaughters, that ageing is a state that women should be ashamed of.  On the contrary – we should welcome it not shun it. The more you try to stop it, the more addictive the struggle becomes.

It’s physically impossible to stop the clock or turn it back – no matter what the outrageous claims which are made by the proponents of the inauthentic look. You’re fighting a losing battle!  At what point do you give up the cause? When some guy taps you on the shoulder, you turn round and he goes into cardiac arrest, because you’ve had so much “work” done, you resemble an Extra Terrestrial?

These frenetic attempts to compete with our younger sisters is absolutely absurd.  Lines and wrinkles are something to be proud of. And before the Botox Brigade lambast me, let me point you back to Silver Vixen Principle Number One – happiness is an Inside Job. It’s not about the externals.  It’s not about the amount of toxins you ingest or loopy lotions you fritter away your hard-earned cash on.  It’s not about mutton being dressed up as lamb.

Bottom line – and no pun intended here – the only way you can really find inner contentment is to work on your inner life. Self-care yes – self-delusion – a big NO!

Come on girls – we have a responsibility to those who come after us, to lead by example, and demonstrate that there’s plenty of life post menopause.  It’s up to us in a society which has gone mad, to teach them that attraction and self-confidence are based on establishing and continually working on a rich inner self – not opting for trout pouts or a Widow Wildenstein mask.

We all mourn our lost youth – but only up to a certain point. Because – if we’ve played our cards right, we’ve come to the wise conclusion that resistance to ageing is futile – we simply have to develop self-acceptance and gratitude for our lives, and give more to others, as well as to ourselves in a nurturing, healthy way, so we move ourselves from a place of self-obsession and vanity, towards making a valuable contribution to our sisters.

 

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ONLY when there’s determination – will there be a loving way!

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November 7  |  Dating, Dating Coach, finding a relationshp, finding love, professional single women, relationships, Self-Help, single women, Women and love  |   Cynthia

DO you REALLY want a partner or are you just in love with the notion?  This question may make you do a double-take and question my sanity.  But stick with it, please and read on!

Are you ready, willing and emotionally able to undertake the massive commitment which is needed to firstly find a partner, transform that encounter into a relationship and then maintain it through thick and thin, until (hopefully), death doth you part? It’s all very well believing that once you’re spliced with a Significant Other – everything will be plain sailing and you’ll be able to drift off into the sunset, hand in hand, living forever happily after.

Not so!  You may feel that your relationship is as invincible as “The Titanic”, but the truth of the matter is that life chucks at us many unexpected, differently sized icebergs along the way, which I guarantee can cause your relationship to capsize pronto, hook, line and sinker, if you haven’t got the commitment, motivation and guts to work on yourself and on the relationship – which is as living an entity with its own separate dynamic, as is a “real” flesh and blood person.

Without exception, we all drag our “relationship previous”,  into our current one. Much of this is hidden in the murky depths of our subconscious, only to spew out all over the shop – and each other  – when certain emotional historic triggers are detonated. Our wounding goes totally “ape” and if warfare reaches a certain stage, then like Humpty Dumpty we can’t be put back together again.

I’m not saying this in order to scare you off. I just want you to have a real heart to heart with yourself, prior to embarking on the voyage of togetherness, and figure out what you truly want and need. Like the song, “love is a many splendored thing“. The right long term relationship with the right person can provide you with the security you may have always craved – and the rest –  but this notwithstanding, it’s going to be a real graft – emotionally, practically and sexually. What you put into the entity – your joint relationship – you’ll get back in spadefuls.  But as Ringo Starr sang, “It don’t come easy” – so please don’t delude yourself otherwise.

In my book, “From Dinner Date To Soulmate – Finding Love At Any Age“, I cover these points in depth. So for now, consider the following food for thought:

  • How strong is your motivation today, to find your life partner?
  • How much time, energy and money are you prepared to put into finding The One?
  • How willing are you to tolerate your partner’s “baggage”?
  • Are you up for a lifetime of compromise – seemingly good and bad?
  • Are you able to commit one hundred percent to resolving problems as they arise?
  • How will you feel when the shiny cherry-like novelty of a new relationship wears off, and you’re stuck with the inevitable relationship hum drum?

I’m not being a kill joy – just playing devil’s advocate so you can assess for yourself just how strong and realistic your desire to be ensconced in a long term relationship, is.

After all – motivation is everything! Where there’s a will there’s definitely a way.

 

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Learning the art of hyperflirting

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November 3  |  Dating, Dating Coach, finding love, Flirting, professional single women, relationships, Self-Help, single women  |   Cynthia

 Making a connection with someone in a social context

This may not appeal to the romantic in you, but it’s my firm belief and the experience of myself and of my coaching clients – that you have to go out and make it happen.  Prince Charming isn’t going to show up on your doorstep. You have to go out there and take action.  So – when you receive an invitation to a social event, unless there’s a really pressing why NOT to accept (eg World War Three is about to break out, your front teeth have been knocked out, your cat’s in intensive care……), you must never refuse, because this might be the very night when you strike it lucky!

Here are some tips to help you connect with a fanciable man:

On arrival at an event:

  • Scan the room discreetly to ascertain whom you’d like to meet.
  • Turn down the volume on any inner chattering doubts and turn up your confidence volume.
  • Approach the person and smile at him. If he’s mid conversation, don’t interrupt, but wait for a convenient pause. You have to put yourself in his path to flirt, but don’t seem too obvious.

Getting a conversation going:

  • Introduce yourself and then create the opportunity to chat about something you have in common. You can unearth this by asking him open questions – e.g., “how do you know our host?”, “what do you do?”, “where have you travelled from tonight?”, “what did you do at the weekend?”, “what sort of a day have you had today?” Once you find your initial “hook” in the opening conversation, you should be able to establish a dialogue flow thereafter.

    Show your interest in him:

  • Encourage him to talk about himself as much as possible.
  • Find out what he’s passionate about, and get him talking about this. Ask open questions so he can’t just answer “yes”, or “no”.
  • Be a great listener – don’t interrupt and use his name when you can. Don’t talk about yourself non-stop.

Body language:

  • Draw attention to your body by wearing something which is feminine, vaguely provocative and leaves him guessing. Accentuate your body assets and forget about those body “liabilities”!
  • Head up, shoulders back – and smile! Smiling makes you seem attractive.
  • Flip your hair. This is SO feminine!
  • Crash through the touch stigma. Find ways to lightly touch him when you can. If he cracks a joke, let your hand rest on his forearm while you’re laughing.  Touch his shoulder lightly.  Establish a sense of fun and camaraderie with him.
  • Lean towards him whilst talking to him. Never cross your arms as it makes you appear to be defensive.
  • Make him feel he’s the most special guy in the world by giving him your full attention and keep looking him straight in the eye. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted.
  • Laugh at his jokes – even if they’re terrible!
  • Ask him to dance and then let your inner goddess come to the fore – but in moderation. Dancing’s a great way to connect with a man in a flirtatious way.

Be playful:

  • Tease him gently about minor things – it shows him that you’re fun and have a sense of humour.
  • Find something you admire about him and pay him a few compliments. Everyone enjoys having their ego massaged! Don’t go overboard though.
  • Expect to be teased back! It’ll show him you’re a good sport.
  • Keep the conversation light – no relationship post mortems on your side or grilling him about his ex. Best also keep off the thorny topics of sex, politics and religion – for now anyway!

Leave him wanting more:

  • Don’t exhaust the conversation to the point there’s nothing more to chat about.
  • Walk away while he’s still interested so he realises he must see you again.
  • Leave an opening for “a next time”. Say you have to dash off now, but maybe you could get together sometime soon to continue the conversation?
  • If he says “yes”, ask for his contact details. Men like women who are proactive. Why should they all make the running?
  • Don’t act too desperate as this will be off-putting.
  • Listen to your intuition and trust your instincts – he’s not the last man in the world you’ll meet, so if he doesn’t take the bait – don’t panic. It’s his loss. There are plenty more fish in the sea!

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