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What men DON’T want and assorted date-busters

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December 12  |  Uncategorized  |   Cynthia

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The guys state that frequently, “it ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it”. We’re all human and liable to make any or a combination of dating blunders, so if you spot it and you’ve got it, cut yourself some slack, get out there and just do it differently next time. Life is full of second and subsequent opportunities. The Wise Woman realises that while there’s life, there’s always hope. Here are a few dating boo-boos, as expressed by men:

  • Too much, too soon – you don’t have to tell him your life or hard luck story on the first few dates!
  • You were too keen – this reeks of desperation.
  • He couldn’t get a word in edgewise – shut up and listen.
  • You got too physical way too soon, and scared the pants off him – how would YOU feel if the shoe were on the other foot?
  • You acted like a slag-off merchant – he knows perfectly well that if you do this about others, you’ll do it about him too.
  • You behaved as if you were in a business meeting – please – this is a date not an international contractual negotiation!
  • You complained about almost everything on the date – blatantly high maintenance!
  • You drank way too much and behaved completely inappropriately – stick to soda water or manage your booze intake.
  • You came across as a drama queen – no man – nor woman needs this in their lives.
  • The green-eyed monster – remove your dating blinkers and think about this one – hard!
  • You’re a screamer – there’s no need to raise your voice and draw attention to yourself.
  • You’re insecure and indecisive – if he asks you for your opinion, he really wants it.
  • Humourless – nobody wants to date someone who sits there with a face like a funeral.
  • You’re a sloppy dater – ugh – don’t show up wearing your worst “Shirley Valentine” tracksuit.
  • You asked when he was going to call you – this is right at the top of my Richter Scale of dating faux pas.
  • Texting Tourette’s – hugely impolite on a date and afterwards attempting to manipulate him into responding immediately!
  • No chemistry – So?  It happens. Build a bridge and get over yourself.

In search of dating progress – not dating perfection

Remember – you’re on a self-empowering, not self-castigating, educational path here. It’s not for the faint-hearted. Keep on trucking. It’s a case of aiming for progress, and not perfection.

ex-kissing

If Love Is Blind, Marriage Is An Eye-Opener

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March 11  |  Uncategorized  |   Cynthia

Many of us have regarded the recent union of erstwhile famous model Jerry Hall, and billionaire Rupert Murdoch, with abject horror. I must admit I’ve been amongst the incredulous ranks of the Doubting Thomases.  We ask ourselves, apart from his billions, what can Jerry possibly see in Rupert? Surely the best wedding present he could possibly receive, would be a caseful of Viagra. At the ripe old age of 85, isn’t this is going to be a case of “death in the saddle“? I had an uncle who met his demise, whilst on the job with his mistress, causing extreme embarrassment to his nearest and dearest – and I suspect it can’t have been much fun for said mistress, to find herself being rapidly jettisoned from the throes of passion, to having to extract herself from beneath a corpse, “in flagrante delicto“, as we lawyers say. Having said that, for my uncle, could there really have been a more fun way to go?

The point is, what floats one person’s boat, may not necessarily float another’s.  One man’s, (or woman’s) meat, is another man’s poison. And very often why this is the case, isn’t necessarily obvious to an outsider. In my new self-help book, “From Dinner Date to Soulmate – finding love at any age“, I discuss the expectations we all have and the emotional filters we operate through, when selecting a partner.  These are commonly unconsciously tainted by our past experiences, going as far back as childhood, and the “commands” we were indoctrinated with, by our parents and other supposed caretakers.   Then, in ripe adulthood, we can discover that we repeatedly choose the same type of unsuitable partner, ending in a tsunami of tears.  Einstein said that madness is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. This wisdom has never been more clearly manifested, than in the arena of intimate relationships.

Take my beloved third hubby, Peter.  His “previous” include an array of not what you might term conventionally beautiful women.  One had a gammy leg and another used to remove her false teeth every night, carefully placing them in a glass on her side of the bed. The point being, that beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder, and frankly it’s none of our business anyway!

As for myself, I was an ardent “beardist“, all my life.  I did NOT do beards and bald patches. When I met Peter in 2002, on our second date, I brazenly pointed to the offending facial fuzz, exclaiming, “and THAT will have to go“. It was almost the end of a beautiful potential relationship.  Which just goes to show that what I knew about healthy relationships 14 years ago, you could have written on a postage stamp.

I’ve discovered that often what we think we want in a partner, ie no beard, bald patch and must be over 6 foot tall – isn’t necessarily what we need. It takes a lot of  inner work to deconstruct the illusions we’ve created, but without The Work, the painful lesson will be repeated until it’s learned. In my book, I cover this aspect fully, and provide a plan for successfully doing just.

I very quickly learned to love that quirky beard and the sexy little bald patch, just as much as the man who sports them. Indeed, the latter provides a useful signpost, from the back of any aircraft, preventing me from mistakenly hurtling myself onto the lap of the bemused man in row 14 instead of the correct seat.

So Jerry and Rupert – I wish you “bon courage et bonne route” together – and don’t forget to relocate to an area where there are excellent primary schools!

 

 

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Ain’t No Stopping Us Now – We’re In The Groove!

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August 4  |  Uncategorized  |   Cynthia

It Works IF You Work It – feeling fitter already!

Whoopee doo!  Day 9 of my challenge and I’m already FEELING the results.  I missed my weekly weigh-in on Saturday, and I’ve given up my compulsive daily weighing at home.  Weight fluctuates on a daily basis – and why should I give away my power according to the number on the scales, and have a really rubbish day as a result? So – I’ll just have to wait until Saturday.  I’m a lot more than a number on the scales and it’s about time that I ditched that obsessive behaviour!

In the meantime, my clothes are feeling looser.  I took a measurement of my “vitals” last week, but am too embarrassed at this stage to reveal what they are.  A girl still has a little pride left.  🙁  I also know that exercise alone won’t cut it – you have to moderate your food intake, as well as upping the ante on the physical front.  And it can be a slow process.  But hey – it took me a long time to put on the extra timber I’m carrying – all 3.5 stone of it.  So I just have to remember that it’s going to be “progress and not perfection”.  Good health and a trim body aren’t like coffee – instantly available.

Another benefit is that I’m a lot less hungry and much more inclined to make sensible food choices than before. Hey – could I finally be respecting my body, as opposed to treating it like some sort of disused garbage container?

Now my mood.  This has improved dramatically over the last 9 days.  I suffered from depression for 18 years, and a couple of weekends ago, I feared I was spiralling down again into the hideous black vortex.  Yuk.  Anyone who hasn’t suffered from The Black Dog, probably won’t get it at all.  Lucky you.  But for those who have seen its ugly face more than they care to admit, well you know exactly what I’m banging on about.

Pushing myself way beyond my comfort zone and just damned well feeling the fear and doing it anyway, is already working wonders.  If I can do it, anybody can.  Si on veut -on peut! And boy do I want to be that fifty-something fit woman!

I’d also like to thank all those who’ve already so generously supported my Silver Vixen Reclaim Your Body Swim The Channel Challenge – for the spinal injury cord charity, Aspire.  To those who haven’t yet donated – please go for it:

Please sponsor me!

I’ve already lasted longer on this fitness kick than I’ve ever done before.  Looking forward to going into double figures tomorrow, day 10, and checking in with you after!

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ENGLISH CHANNEL HERE COMES THE SILVER VIXEN!!!

The Silver Vixen Reclaim Your Body Challenge!

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July 27  |  Uncategorized  |   Cynthia

P and C Tramonto

“This is no shipboard romance!”

Day 1 – Frenchwomen DO Get Fat!

It seems that in order to achieve anything of significance in my life, I have to undergo some sort of painful “epiphany”. I’ve endured these over many years because I have an extreme and addictive personality. So therefore I need to have what’s termed as “the gift of desperation” – where my back’s against the wall, I’m hanging on by my fingertips, and I’m experiencing a “do-this-or-else” moment, prior to putting in the effort to change.

Over the last 18 plus years, these light bulb moments have resulted in multiple peeling away of my stinging internal onion, facing my demons and taking ACTION!

So – here we go again. This time with my fitness – or lack of thereof. It’s not enough for me that the last proper sighting of my nether regions was circa 2002, nor that my former razor sharp cheekbones are now lost, submerged in a mass of what I can only term as facial blancmange. Nope – folks I’m a fraud. I may preach about “The Inside Job” to my dating coaching clients – but alas, I’ve failed to follow my own advice, and have been way too focused on what’s eating me – rather than on what I’m eating.

The time has finally come. There have been 2 epiphany moments of late. Thanks to my beloved fit sexygenarian hubby number 3 Peter – or my “current” husband as he refers to himself – I’ve been jolted into action. Because of a casual remark, i.e. he’d like to reclaim his fit and healthy wife – I’ve kicked my own fat butt, and am embarking on a daily programme of activity, rather than wallowing in another moment of paralysed, self-pitying inaction – accompanied by one self-sabotaging hand in the biscuit tin, beating my now humongous 36E breast, wailing “woe is me”.

And my other epiphany moment? Being on my French cousin’s fabulous yacht on the Med 2 weeks ago. She’s only a year younger than me – and she was sporting a bikini, looking totally fab. This is the girl who can STILL get into the 1978 bridesmaid’s dress she wore to my first wedding.

Et moi? What the hell has happened to my former proud inner Frenchwoman??? Well the former “girl in the brown bikini” – i.e. me on cruise with said cousin in 1976,  spent the entire day trying to remain covered up by my outsize beach towel, whilst also somehow managing to go for a dip in the sea 5 times. Go figure – if you’ll pardon a painful pun! I remember the cruise we both went on, in 1976, sailing round Italy, Corsica and Elba. We were both so bronzed and slim, that the military ship “L’Ammiraglio Magnani”, docked in Livorno, almost listed to one side, as we shamelessly flaunted ourselves on deck.

Whereas 2 weeks ago – I was more concerned about yours truly capsizing the tender to the yacht, “Le Tramonto”, as my cousin rowed us out to her sister ship! Oy veh – how the mighty have fallen. But where there’s life there’s hope! And I may be 56, and no longer 17, but there’s still plenty of life left in this overweight old dog.

Folks – I AM FAT!! There’s no polite way of saying it. Forget the euphemisms and the inane platitudes. I don’t have big bones, I don’t have post-menopausal hormonal problems. I’m no longer struggling with 6 years of chronic menopause-related Interstitial Cystitis. And nor is it due to my dodgy parental genes whose certain legacy will be type 2 Diabetes if I carry on at this rate – far more serious than the inherited receding gums which I now sport.

Nope – I’ve let myself go – and now have to kiss goodbye to 3 and a half stone/52 pounds or 24 kilos for all you mods out there. And I CAN DO THIS – for my sake and not just because I fear my gorgeous hubby will be taken hostage by some fit and lithe 24 year old. No – I’m doing this largely for me – so I can live as healthily and happily as I can, for as long as I can, and enjoy the 2 grandchildren I’ve recently been blessed with.

I CAN DO THIS! I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again – and this time I’ll put the right habits in place and I’ll never have to endure the absolute boredom and torture of having to shed the blub ever again!

So – day one. I’ve kicked it off with yoga stretches, 10 minutes of meditation, a dog walk, and 20 lengths of the pool. Do I feel good? You bet I do! Perhaps I wasn’t given an endorphin bypass at birth after all.

I’ve coughed up £420 upfront for 14 months’ membership of the gym. Tomorrow’s Pilates class is booked and I intend to follow that with a swim. I’ve planned my day’s sensible eating.

Join me on the daily ride to recovered fitness – and consequent “sizzling in the sauna”!

Fun and One

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October 3  |  Uncategorized  |   Cynthia

Desperately Seeking Susan?

It’s easy to fear that your relationship number’s up. When on earth is there any time to actually have fun? Our lives get clogged-up with that four-lettered word – “work” – and as we know too well – all work and no play makes Jill (or Jack) a dull girl/boy. There’s nothing more off-putting to a potential partner, than a “Desperately Seeking Susan” – who turns up at social events, or on a date, in a state of eager anticipation of finding The One, in a state of extreme agitation and self-obsession.

Happiness is an inside job

The bottom line is that happiness is an inside job.  Until you really feel good about yourself, then you can’t possibly begin to attract the right partner.  I advise my dating coaching clients, that before they even venture out into the relationship jungle, they have to put in the inner work, so that they start to feel good about themselves. Then the magic begins to happen afterwards.

The prescription

The first step in the journey towards joyful togetherness is to take out a “self-care contract” – on yourself!  The medicine which I prescribe for my clients is to do three new things every day, which they really enjoy – just for the hell of it. It’s surprising how many people rail against taking this medicine.  Conflicting demands, guilt about feeling self-indulgent, inability to prioritise – these can all be stumbling blocks. Being good to yourself needn’t be expensive or time-consuming, bubble baths, writing in your journal or simply chatting to a trusted friend can be an immense tonic and pick-me-up. If you do this inner homework diligently, you’ll soon reconnect to your Va Va Voom!

Make a list of activities you enjoy and then take action!

Socialising as a singleton can feel very daunting.  It’s important not to listen to your inner negative chatterbox which may conjure up a million reasons why NOT to do this, that or the other.  There’s no downside to venturing out on your own, as long as you take precautionary measures with your personal safety.  What do you enjoy doing?  Could you find a club or association which you might join?  What about that sport you always wanted to try but never dared?  The more interests you develop, the better you’ll feel – and hey presto – the more attractive you’ll become to a prospective partner.  Your conversation will become more engaging and animated and while you’re busy connecting with the other person in a deeper way through a shared interest, you may come to discover a completely hitherto disguised and different aspect of their character.  The pressure of finding The One lessens – and everyone relaxes.  You might even begin to have FUN!

Fun and One Excuse-Busters

  • Variety is the spice of life. Suck it and see.  Take a walk on the wild side and propel yourself into pastures new.
  • Confidence is an incredibly sexy quality in a man or woman and is a gift granted to us by living life to the full, on every level. Go for it!
  • Seek to extend your network and make new friends of both sexes.
  • Maintain your perspective – and your sense of humour – always.
  • Keep an open mind and be like Robert the Bruce – if at first you don’t succeed, try, try and try again.
  • Lighten up – be good to yourself, first and foremost because, as the L’Oréal shampoo slogan goes – you’re worth it.